My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
