I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
