things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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