guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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