I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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