Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
