i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
