I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
