um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
