He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
