another moral hangover. fuck.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
