Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
