Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
