I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
