just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dignity is for republicans.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
