There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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