I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
