based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
