Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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