woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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