The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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