remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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