drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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