so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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