i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
