My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
