Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
