billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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