"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
