I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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