We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
