Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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