i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
