Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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