My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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