Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
where am i from again
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
