So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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