If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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