i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
