Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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