Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
