i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
