Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
