What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
