So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
