my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
