So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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