I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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