he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
