The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
