Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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